Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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