True but thats because hes a fetus.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
