I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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