I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
