I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
