Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
