i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
