I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
