so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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