When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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