I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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