Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I want her autograph on my taint
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
