I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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