I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
