Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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