At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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