I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
