I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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