He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We smell like vodka and hangover
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