I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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