She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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