i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
