I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
