my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
