wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
