Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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