she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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