R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
