I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
