who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
