also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
