A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
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That's how twitter works, right?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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