my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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