So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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