Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
