who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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