Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
