Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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