You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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