I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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