so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
