In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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