I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she told me i tasted like america
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
