i can't believe i had my finger in that
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
