I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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