I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
