I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
