1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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