I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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