i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
