**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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