I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
