and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
