im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
